The Diet of Kings
A fairy tale hero, Kathryn Hahn, and a comedy writer walk into a bar...
A couple weeks ago, I had an epiphany.
“Self,” I said to myself, “you are a 43-year-old single man with no children. You can eat and drink anything you want. You are not beholden to meal times, nutrition or social mores. You do not have to model good behavior for anyone. All you have to do is survive. Enjoy your freedom!”
Never mind the esophageal distress I’ve been having for the past several years.
Giving myself permission to eat and drink whatever I want inevitably leads to two things: Milky Way bars and Coca-Cola, also known as The Diet of Kings.
Conveniently, I could buy these items at Walgreens, the same place where I get various medications.
Now, I’m not going to tell you how many Milky Ways I would buy on each visit to Walgreens, but let’s just say the thought crossed my mind to make a bulk purchase on Amazon.
And of course, nothing goes better with candy bars than 20 ounces of Coca-Cola.
I know you’ve been wanting to ask me a question for the past few paragraphs: “Hey, dummy, do you think maybe you wouldn’t need the medications from Walgreens if you stopped eating Milky Way bars by the ton and drinking Coca-Cola by the liquid version of a ton?”
Aside from you calling me “dummy,” this is a fair question. The honest answer is… I don’t know. What’s causing this chronic digestive issue has been a mystery to my doctor so far. I’ve tried dietary changes, lifestyle changes, and medications. Nothing has done the trick for very long.
So when I get frustrated with my situation, I think to myself, “Your body is all messed up even when you eat and drink the ‘right’ things. What difference does it make if you decide to only consume items from the ‘corn syrup’ food group for a little while?”
That’s how I ended up going down this most recent sugar-filled rabbit hole. (Somewhere in Fairfield County, my nutritionist just passed out.)
But for all you worried mothers out there, don’t fret. Milky Way Mania has subsided. I’ve re-subscribed to Blue Apron, so I’m preparing nutritious meals for myself again. And just yesterday, my doctor gave me a new medication to try.
He says he’s optimistic this one will work. I guess I am, too.
On to the list…
The Best…
…Audiobook I Listened to This Week
Fairy Tale (Simon & Schuster, 2022) — By Stephen King; read by Seth Numrich with Stephen King
I booked my first voice acting gig a couple weeks ago. I was asked to perform a short work of fiction by an online literary magazine. I did it, and it went okay, but I came away from the experience recognizing that I need more reps.
As someone who listens almost exclusively to non-fiction audiobooks, I also realized that I didn’t really know what the performance of a fiction story sounded like.
So I went to Audible and looked for a recent book with a young male narrator. I thought I would get a taste of how a performer differentiates characters, handles dialogue, and does accents.
I figured I probably wouldn’t listen to the entire book, especially once I chose Fairy Tale, a Stephen King novel narrated by the actor Seth Numrich. After all, the running time was just north of 24 hours.
Much to my surprise, though, I enjoyed the book enough to listen to the whole thing.
Numrich’s performance was a key reason. This being a fantasy novel, he must have voiced more than 30 distinct characters with all kinds of accents and vocal eccentricities. It’s a voice acting master class.
The story, though, is ultimately what kept me listening.
Charlie Reade is a 17-year-old high school student from Illinois. He’s already faced tragedy and struggle in his young life. One day, he meets an elderly neighbor who has an aging German shepherd — and a secret.
Actually, a lot of secrets.
From there, the story becomes an epic adventure and a mash-up of just about every fairy tale and narrative archetype in literature and American pop culture.
During the pandemic, King says he asked himself, “What could you write that would make you happy?” Fairy Tale was the result.
Even before I knew that, I could feel the pleasure King must have gotten while inventing this story. And he shared that joy, channeled through the voice of Numrich, with readers (and listeners) like me.
…Limited Series I Watched This Week
Tiny Beautiful Things (2023) — Created by Liz Tigelaar
Streaming on Hulu
This show, Tiny Beautiful Things, is a little out of my wheelhouse. It’s based on Cheryl Strayed’s book of essays, which was championed by Oprah and Reese Witherspoon about a decade ago.
In general, I’m skeptical of cultural items that seem too popular (i.e. Oprah’s book selections), and I don’t usually respond to works that seem to be marketed only to women (i.e. the Reese Witherspoon multiverse).
In this case, however, I didn’t know anything about the series before I discovered it on Hulu, so it appeared safe — it wasn’t popular and didn’t seem to have heavily female-directed marketing (or any marketing at all). So I gave it a shot.
The show’s story was inspired by the book, but, from what I understand, deviates quite a bit from the source material.
What drew me in was that Kathryn Hahn plays the lead character. In every role I’ve seen of hers, I always find her interesting and real. She seems like someone I would know.
Her character, Clare, is closing in on her 50th birthday. She’s a mess and — as flashbacks to earlier eras in her life show — has been for a long time.
Her marriage is floundering, her relationships with her daughter and brother are in peril, and she’s having difficulty maintaining her job. At the same time, she yearns to fulfill her moribund aspiration to become a celebrated writer.
Clare is a walking disaster, yet Hahn’s performance allowed me to identify with her story.
I also appreciated the show because it felt like something I hadn’t seen before, a rarity in this era of story overload.
Plus, the hilarious Michaela Watkins has a supporting role, which brings me joy.
So yes, I’m recommending a show that features the Indigo Girls song “Closer to Fine” under the closing titles of the pilot episode.
Maybe this is a new me?
…Book I Read This Week
I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife & Motherhood (HarperCollins, 2022) — By Jessi Klein
Tiny Beautiful Things references a concept Cheryl Strayed previously introduced in her writing, that we all have “ghost ships” sailing in alternate universes, different ways our lives would have unfolded had we not married that person or had that baby or taken that job.
In reading Jessi Klein’s I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife & Motherhood, I could imagine a ghost ship of my own. On this one, I will have met a woman like Klein — smart, darkly funny, a bit awkward, prone to anxiety and depression — and embarked on the whole thing with her (marriage… kids… divorce?).
All of which is to say that I enjoyed the book.
Klein is a writer, actor, and standup comedian, now in her mid-40s. If you’ve watched the animated Netflix comedy Big Mouth, you’ve heard her as the voice of “Jessi,” who, for my money, is the most down-to-earth and relatable character on the show.
More to the point, Klein boarded the ship that I did not, getting married and having a child, while pursuing a career as a writer.
In her essays, she grapples with those decisions in ways ranging from the mundane (the frustrations of strapping a child into a car seat) to the existential (“how completely [a mother] must annihilate herself to keep her child alive”).
But with comedy, I swear!
For me, reading this was a glimpse into an alternate life, one that many of my friends are living. For others, the book offers a chance to commiserate and perhaps see themselves in a humorous light.
From either perspective, it’s a trip worth taking.